Robin Thomson

Robin Thomson

We all need to be more open to offering and receiving support from friends. They give practical help. They offer the gift of their time, helping us feel connected. We need friends at all times, but especially when caring for someone living with dementia. 

January 25, 2021 

Robin Thomson was the caregiver for his wife and the author of “Living with Alzheimer’s: A love story.”

I will always remember the lunch with our good friend Shona. It was just at the time when my wife Shoko’s Alzheimer’s symptoms had taken a decisive dip downwards. I was tired and very discouraged. As we were leaving lunch, Shona said to me, ‘You have to build up your support team. You can’t manage this on your own.’ As soon as she said it, I knew she was right. The next day, another friend gave the same advice from his personal experience. I realized I had to start building a support team. 

It took some months to find carers, get wider professional support and keep our friends better informed. It was hard work, but without it we would have been finished. What a difference to have friends who gave such honest and loving advice! 

We all need to be more open to offering and receiving support from friends. They give practical help. They offer the gift of their time, helping us feel connected. We need friends at all times, but especially when caring for someone living with dementia. 

Although my wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2012, our lives carried on more or less normally at first. Five years later, she began struggling with activities in her daily life. But I was often reluctant to ask for help. Shoko and I didn’t feel like speaking to others about the progression of the disease. Even if we did, what kind of help would be appropriate? 

Friends can take the initiative. Something that is always welcomed is food. We had a friend who just turned up, bringing a complete meal with him.

Visiting at home is important, but it isn’t necessarily easy for friends. They may find that the person with dementia has changed, and perhaps may not engage in conversation very much, or not even recognize them. Is it worthwhile to visit? And what would you talk about? 

An old friend, whom we had not seen for years, came to visit us. Shoko didn’t really remember who he was, but she knew he was a friend, somebody who loved her and had been part of her life. That brought her pleasure. Even when the remembrance had gone – which might happen very quickly – the pleasurable feeling of a friend’s presence remained and helped maintain her self-identity. 

I was amazed at how naturally our friend talked to Shoko even though she didn’t always respond. Directing the conversation with warmth and friendliness can certainly go a long way. Music or photos can be good connecting points. Shoko always loved to sing familiar songs – either Japanese folk songs or hymns. She could recall them well. Some may also be happy to go for a walk together. 

The visiting friend is important for caregivers too, reassuring and encouraging them that they are not alone. Caregivers have an important need to share their feelings with someone, a person whom they can speak to in confidence, and perhaps to share a prayer. While you may not be that person, you could suggest to another friend to offer them a listening ear. 

Friends can also phone, or send letters or emails, when visiting isn’t possible. Their value for the person living with dementia will vary, depending on their situation, but they will always be valued by the caregiver. A friend phoned regularly every few weeks to ask how I was, which I found a big encouragement.

That’s what friends are for: They remind us that we are valued and remembered. When we feel discouraged, they keep us going by showing continued love and care.