A Story of Role Reversal and Unbreakable Love

July 16, 2025

My mom was the boss. She ruled the roost and was a force to be reckoned with. She was not only my mom, she was the CEO of our family, and she wasn’t planning on stepping down. 

So when she was diagnosed with early-stage dementia and her role as the matriarch of the family was under siege, she was furious and really struggled to let us help her with anything.  

When it became obvious that her care was something my aging father could no longer manage alone, I felt compelled to step up as her caregiver. 

We then began the long and arduous process of negotiating and navigating a family’s worst nightmare: role reversal. I slowly became the parent to my dynamic mom and as dementia worked its destruction on her, she became less independent and more child-like. 

Emotions ran high. We both felt lost, helpless, overwhelmed, angry, and grief became a constant companion. We struggled to accept our new roles — and each other. In the beginning, I was too heavy-handed and ended up being so controlling. I felt driven to fix everything immediately. I tried to take over on everything. I was grieving the mom I grew up with and clueless about how to navigate taking over when she was so against getting help or relinquishing her role. It was a frustrating, upsetting, ongoing battle that made both of us miserable and confused. 

One Sunday afternoon when I was helping her take a shower, I had her sitting on the edge of the tub in a big fluffy towel while I dried her off. She suddenly put her face in her hands and began to sob. She then said, “It’s so hard to have you help me.” 

I was stunned. I couldn’t speak. I just held her and finally told her I was so sorry. 

The gravity of her experience hit me hard. Although I too was suffering through the change in our relationship, my discomfort and grief seemed to pale in comparison to the loss and pain she was feeling. I was sad for both of us, but heartbroken for her. Something shifted for me as I watched her cry. 

I felt an empathy that had been missing because I had been so caught up in my own stress and emotional turmoil. Having her communicate her despair forced me to see outside of myself and into her heart. 

While this didn’t change the difficulty we were facing together, it made it understandable and something to be accepted and healed. I began to see the need to forgive both of us for our reactions to this painful change. We needed to give each other grace, understanding and time. 

The love my mom and I had for each other became my focus and my salvation. We knew each other not by what role we played but how we made each other feel. I was given the chance to show her unconditional, unrelenting love and attention, and that was the only role I had to worry about playing. 

When we care for our parents, we are thrown into a position that is so painful and scary. Everything we know and count on crumbles. Yet the love for each other never has to change or disappear no matter what the circumstances are. 

That kind of love gets us through the grief and loss. It’s a precious gift and a source of solace. I know in my heart my mom felt safe and loved and that gives me peace as both her daughter and her caregiver. 

She will always be the CEO in my mind, but I now have other layers of her to remember and enjoy, to grieve and to miss. Role reversal is never easy, but it doesn’t  have to ruin our lives or what we mean to each other. Love keeps us in the present and saves us from the past.